Dear Axel
by CuriousQuestion
Summary: Axel under boredom or orders we'll never know has started an online advice column. He's offering advice in anything!This is going fine till Larxene starts writing. AkuRoku, hints of MarVex. Rated T for language, content, and ReallyCreepy!Larxene.


**A/N**: Hey guys! Here is another wonderful story from me... *cough cough* Okay, maybe not wonderful...but yeah, it's a story. I am tempted to make this a couple chapters long, so if you want to ask Axel a question I'll probably use it and add humor to the whole thing. My inner Axel and my muse, Sunny will answer it. This is also on DeviantART and yeah. I hope you enjoy this little thing as much as I enjoyed writing it.

_**Disclaimers:**_ I do _not_ own...*sobs* Kingdom Hearts... or *sniffles* Axel and Roxas (they seem to have taken up residence in my room), Larxene (I threw her out because she was being mean) or any other Kingdom Hearts characters mentioned in this story. Bottom Line: I FREAKING DO NOT OWN KINGDOM HEARTS! Okay, enjoy the story! 8D

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><p><em>Dear Axel, <em>

_What is love? _

_~The Key of Destiny~ _

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><p>Dear Key of Destiny,<p>

Come to my room and I will show you. ;)

~Axel

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><p>Axel clicked send and smirked. Roxas would be here within the hour. He knew it. Axel's nimble fingers clicked to the next email asking him for advice.<p>

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><p><em>Dear Axel, <em>

_My lover has been ignoring me. I've tried many means to get his attention (like grouping and groping), but he is still intent on his work. What should I do? _

_~The Graceful Assassin~ _

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><p>Axel laughed and typed his reply.<p>

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><p><strong>Dear Graceful Assassin, <strong>

**My heartfelt advice is to… KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING! **

**~Axel**

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><p>Click. Send. Next question, bitches.<p>

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><p><em>Dear Axel, <em>

_Your hips do lie and no one loves a man-woman like you. _

_~The Savage Nymph~ _

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><p>Axel huffed and fingers danced angrily, creating a reply to Number Twelve.<p>

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><p><strong>Dear Savage Nymph, <strong>

**Fuck you, Larxene. Roxy loves me and you are just jealous because no one loves a bitch like you. **

**~Love, Axel **

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><p>Axel sent his last "Dear Axel" message of the day and shut his computer angrily. What does Larxene know about love anyways? He snorted and as big as his hips were…they did not lie. At all.<p>

_But, a man-woman? _

Did his hips really make him look that much like a woman? Axel stood and went over to his full-length mirror he kept in his room vainly. His acid green eyes stared back at him and they quickly dropped over his bare chest (yes, he's so totally checking himself out) to his hips. Axel rested his hands on his more womanly then manly hips_. It's not like I have boobs_, Axel thought. _It's just…my hips._

_Well,_ Axel thought cheerfully grinning, _Roxas seems to like them and that's all that matters._

Humming to himself, Axel turned his back on the mirror and pulled on his shirt that he had discarded earlier while muttering, "Why is this room always fucking _hot_…"

He sat down on his bed and opened his computer again. Axel was playing his music quite loud when there was a loud knock on his door (Axel would never admit, but he thought it was Zexion or Vexen or worse Saix or even more worse than that…Xemnas coming to yell at him again. They're pretty scary when they're mad!) and then the bitch herself walked in.

"Axel." Larxene beamed wickedly, "My dear _sister…_"

"When was I even your _brother_, Larx?"

"What_ever._" Larxene, thinking she was welcome to be in Axel's room, plopped down on the bed.

Axel glanced at the electric blond woman lying there oh so comfortably on _his _bed. "What do you want, Larxene?"

"Fuck a tree, would you Ax?"

"Now, now why would I do that?" Axel rolled his eyes. So, now Larxene wants him to join in with Marluxia's sick fantasies?

"Because I killed Roxas. You got nothing left, hor." Larxene's wicked smile was back and directed head on at Axel.

Axel's eyes blinked…once…twice…, "No, you didn't. You're lying."

"Then _whose _blood is on my kunai?" The blond woman snickered.

Axel narrowed his eyes, "What'd you do, Larxene?" He growled.

Larxene smirked, "Cooked him up and ate him with herbs from Mar Mar's garden."

Then, much to Axel's annoyance, another person burst into his room. "Goddammit, why is-?" Axel looked up to glare at the blond who entered his room expecting to find Demyx's sea-green eyes staring cheerfully back at him.

It wasn't Demyx's sea-green eyes and dirty blond hair that he found, it was Roxas', _his Roxy's, _large deep blue eyes that so often he found narrowed and glaring at him and soft gravity-defying golden blond hair.

_Roxas! See, Axel? Larxene was kidding, _Axel told himself.

Axel quickly turned his frown into a full on grin. Roxas was smiling, "Hey, Axel!" He glanced at the other blond and frowned, "Larxene."

The only redhead in the room (and the only one in the Organization) jumped off the bed and glomped Roxas. "Roxy, you're aliveee!" Axel buried his face in Roxas' soft spikes.

Roxas, recovered from the sudden assault and his head hurting from hitting the floor, grumpily looked at the redhead on top of him. "Axel…"

"Yes?" Grinning green eyes looked into livid blue ones.

"Why the hell wouldn't I be alive?"

"Larxene told me she killed you." Axel rolled his eyes. Said blond sneaked out quietly from the room, snickering.

"Yeah, okay." Roxas then smiled flirtingly at Axel. "Hey, Axe?"

"Yeah?" Axel was still grinning.

"GET OFF ME, BITCH!" Roxas shoved Axel off and stalked out of the room.

Axel sat there surprised, and then pouted, "And here I was thinking I was going to get lucky…"

Wait…

_I still can! I got a few tricks up these sleeves of mine! _Axel grinned and jogged after his blondie.

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><p>Larxene snickered as she opened a portal to Vexen's lab. She entered without knocking and went straight to the figure bent over a desk scribbling notes. Larxene waved and winked at Marluxia, who was lounging on the only couch in the room, flipping through a gardening magazine in sweats. The pinked haired Assassin smirked back.<p>

"Hey, Vexy. Nice job with the clone." Larxene slid next to Vexen and put her arm around his shoulders.

Vexen instantly tensed up, "Number Twelve, you need to stop. This is the third time this _week _you have asked me to make a clone of just of Number Thirteen."

Larxene laughed lightly, a cruel sound that made babies cry, "So? I don't see what your point is, old man." The blond woman laughed again harder, "Besides seeing Axel squirm is so entertaining…to entertaining to stop." She whispered the last part almost seductively.

Larxene turned to leave, "And Roxas is delicious and nutritious." She stopped at the doorway and licked her lips, "And tastes like chicken."

The Savage Nymph laughed manically at the looks Vexen and her best friend, Marluxia gave her. Horror and disgust.

But, when did she start to care what men thought of her?

Larxene's echoing laughter could be heard through the whole Castle That Never Was and even sent shivers down Lexaeus' spine, who wasn't scared of anything.

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><p>YAY! So, I might be posting a 2nd chapter so look out for it!<p>

You: Oh, Cu, what is this sudden change of heart to write a second chapter? OH, my dear reader, it is my beautiful Muse(s), Sunny and Sparks! They have given me the inspiration to carry on this madness! AND WRITE MORE CHAOS!3 Teehee... so look out for more!


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